Cast: |
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| Cecil: |
A
large, round, thoughtful thug in a tank top and jeans. |
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| Stubbs: |
A
tall, skinny, nastier thug in a sharp suit. |
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FADE IN:
INT. - WAREHOUSE - NIGHT WIDE
ON: CECIL
AND STUBBS ON THEIR COUCH, |
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CECIL
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’Allo then and welcome to
another edition of ... |
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TOGETHER
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Thugs on Film! |
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Cecil
and Stubbs are duct-taping pillows to their butts. |
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CECIL
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Today, we’re strapping
pillows to our arses and getting ready for the dreaded fall
film season. |
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STUBBS
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In which studios unleash
every bit of wank they think has half a chance to win an
Oscar. |
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CECIL
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Which really means lots of
films that are dead serious, dead boring and triple dead
long. |
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STUBBS
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Exactly, Cec. If I’m
going to sit still for three hours, there better be lots of
explosions and a couple of right shaggable birds loitering
about. |
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CECIL
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But instead, it’s more
likely to be some two-bit nobody suffering the latest
disease, prattling on about how he’s found his humanity
while his wife looks off in the distance and shags the
gardener. |
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STUBBS
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Except for every other part
of the year, autumn is the absolute worst time to go to the
movies. |
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CECIL
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It’s going to be bloody
awful. What are we not at all looking forward to Stubbs? |
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Stubbs holds up a gaunt and bearded Tom Hanks.
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STUBBS
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There’s
"Castaway", with Tom Hanks trapped on a desert
island for four years. |
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CECIL
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Oh, all right, just give
Mr. Two-Hankies his Oscar already. |
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STUBBS
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I’m sure there’s a
table around his house that needs propping up somewhere. |
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Hanks shrugs, Stubbs drops him.
Cecil
holds up two cowboy dolls, both astride toy horses, and
makes them "gallop" across the screen. One of the
cowboys has Matt Damon’s face taped on it. The other has
e.t.’s face taped on. |
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CECIL
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Then there’s "All
the Pretty Horses", directed by Mr. Angelina Jolie,
Billy Bob Thornton. |
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STUBBS
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Is this movie going to
teach me how to roger his cuckoo bird wife? |
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CECIL
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I doubt it. |
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STUBBS
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Then I am not subjecting
myself to two and a half-hours of arse-punishing hooey about
two gits riding around Mexico. |
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CECIL
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It’s based on a great
book... |
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STUBBS
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Look at Hong bloody Kong,
Cecil. If they can tell a bang-up story in 86 minutes, so
can Mr. Billy Bob. Get in, shoot-em-up and go home. |
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CECIL
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Well for you, just for you,
mate, there’s "Enemy at the Gates" with the very
talented Mr. Jude Law and Ed Harris as rival snipers at
Stalingrad. |
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STUBBS
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Bullocks on, mate, now that’s
a movie! |
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We see Cecil and Stubbs through a pair of sniper cross
hairs, while the rest of the screen is blacked out. The
scope-eye views move around a bit until they settle on Cecil
and Stubbs.
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CECIL
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I dunno, it could go on a
bit, with lots of carefully drawn characters agonizing over
the brutality of war. |
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STUBBS
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But I guarantee that
somewhere in there a tank blows some wanker to absolute
bits. Hey look, there’s two bob on the floor! |
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Cecil and Stubbs both duck down to pick up the money as
shots ring out.
CLOSE
ON:
Cecil and Stubbs crouched
against a wall. |
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STUBBS
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Think we’re getting out
of here anytime soon? |
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Shots ring out, writing a "NO" on THE wall ABOVE
THEM.
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CECIL
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Guess not mate. At least
they shot the VCR on. |
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STUBBS
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What have we got? |
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Cecil reads the box.
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CECIL
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"My Life As A Poncy
Bastard". A university professor spends forty years
writing a book on celery while his wife sits around feeling
left out. |
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CECIL AND STUBBS look at each other, horrified, and reach for the
remote. A shot bounces off the floor between them and it.
They sit back against the wall.
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CECIL
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Celery. Sounds brilliant. |
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STUBBS
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I’m riveted. |
| CUT
TO:
QUIZ SEGMENT
CECIL AND STUBBS ARE
SITTING ON THE COUCH. |
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CECIL
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Annie Hall was the shortest
movie ever to win Best Picture, at a mere 93 minutes. Which
of these epic punishers was the longest? A) Ben Hur, B) Gone
With The Wind, or C) Lawrence of Arabia? |
USER CHOOSES THE CORRECT ANSWER, B. |
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CECIL
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You’ve
got more strength than I do, mate, I copped out after they
burned Atlanta. |
USER CHOOSES THE WRONG ANSWER |
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CECIL
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Still,
at over 200 minutes each, the least they could do is give
the audience a sandwich. |
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STUBBS
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For a while, it seemed all
you had to do to win an Oscar was play an invalid. Which of
these actors did not win for emoting over some gitchy
complaint? A) Daniel Day Lewis, B) Dustin Hoffman, or C)
Geoffrey Rush? |
USER CHOOSES THE CORRECT ANSWER, B. |
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STUBBS
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Spot
on, mate, Dustin did get one for playing Tom Cruise’s
tetchy brother in Rain Man, but he also scored one as a
divorced guy in Kramer vs. Kramer. |
USER CHOOSES THE WRONG ANSWER |
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STUBBS
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Sorry, mate, it was twitching all the way to the statuette for
this one-time winner. |
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CECIL
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Finally, which time of year
does Stubbs think is the worst time to see a crappy movie?
Is it A) Summer, season of tripe, B) Autumn, season of
pretension, or C) Winter and Spring, seasons of assorted
crap? |
EVERY ANSWER IS INCORRECT |
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CECIL
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Actually, Stubby hates
shite films year round, so the correct answer should have
been "D": always. |
USER ANSWERED TWO QUESTIONS
CORRECTLY |
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STUBBS
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You are a serious film
buff. Don’t you go to any good movies? |
USER ANSWERED ONE OR NO
QUESTIONS CORRECTLY |
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STUBBS
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ONE OR NONE: You don’t
know much about serious movies, do you? Good, we don’t
either. |
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CECIL
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Thanks for taking the quiz.
Hope you all learned something and see you next time on
"Thugs on Film." |
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LIGHTS OUT
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CECIL
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Hey, Stubbs, do you think
our lives will ever get an epic film treatment? |
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STUBBS
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Only if some tosser has to
do all the stunts and I get all the great love scenes. |
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CECIL
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But, Stubbs, you haven’t
had any great love scenes. |
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STUBBS
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Listen, I am a master in
the dark! (pause) Well, don’t just sit around watching. |
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CECIL
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The master needs his
privacy. For his, um, mastery. |
FADE OUT
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